In the world of relationships, vulnerability is often portrayed as a sign of weakness. Yet, it is one of the most powerful elements that can bring couples closer together. Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author of Daring Greatly, describes vulnerability as the “core of all emotions and feelings.” When we allow ourselves to be seen—truly seen—by our partner, we open the door to deep emotional intimacy, trust, and connection. But what happens when we turn away from this vulnerability and instead seek emotional solace from someone outside the relationship?
This common behavior, often referred to as emotional cheating, can be more damaging than it initially seems. Let’s delve into why vulnerability with your partner is crucial and how venting to others might undermine the foundation of your relationship.
The Power of Vulnerability: Creating a Safe Space
Vulnerability is not about oversharing or burdening your partner with every thought or fear; it’s about sharing the raw, authentic parts of yourself—the parts that are often hidden or disguised. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship expert John Gottman explains that strong relationships are built on a foundation of trust and open communication. When partners make the effort to be vulnerable with each other, they create a safe space where both individuals feel accepted and understood.
Consider the example of Lisa and Mark, who have been married for six years. Lisa often feels overwhelmed by her job, but instead of discussing these feelings with Mark, she calls her best friend Sarah to vent. Over time, Sarah becomes the primary person Lisa confides in, leaving Mark feeling excluded and distanced. Although Lisa doesn’t intend to harm her marriage, her behavior creates an emotional gap between her and Mark—a gap filled with unspoken thoughts and unmet emotional needs.
In this scenario, had Lisa chosen to share her worries with Mark, it could have been an opportunity for them to connect on a deeper level. Even if Mark couldn’t solve the problem, his presence and willingness to listen could help Lisa feel supported and understood. This type of vulnerability is what strengthens the emotional fabric of a relationship.
Emotional Cheating: The Hidden Consequences of Venting to Others
When we talk about infidelity, most people think of physical betrayal. However, emotional cheating can be just as damaging—if not more so—because it strikes at the heart of intimacy and trust. Emotional cheating often begins innocently: a friend offers a listening ear during a tough time, and slowly, that friend becomes the go-to person for emotional support. While having friends and confidants is healthy, consistently turning to someone else instead of your partner can lead to unintended consequences.
Esther Perel, a prominent psychotherapist and author of The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, suggests that “affairs are not necessarily about sex but about desire: desire for attention, for feeling special, for connection.” When we vent to someone outside our relationship about our struggles, frustrations, or desires, we might unknowingly seek validation or connection that we’re not getting from our partner. This external source of comfort can create a bond that feels intimate, even if it’s not physical. Over time, this emotional bond can eclipse the connection we have with our partner, leaving them feeling sidelined and betrayed.
Take the example of Tom, who often feels unappreciated at home. Instead of discussing this with his wife, Jane, he shares these feelings with a colleague, Laura, who listens attentively and empathizes with him. Tom starts looking forward to his conversations with Laura, feeling understood in a way he hasn’t felt with Jane in a long time. While Tom might rationalize that he’s just venting, he’s actually crossing a boundary. By choosing to share his vulnerabilities with Laura instead of Jane, he’s building an emotional intimacy that should be reserved for his partner.
Building Emotional Intimacy: The Benefits of Turning Towards Each Other
Emotional intimacy doesn’t happen overnight. It is cultivated through small, consistent acts of turning towards your partner rather than away. Gottman’s concept of “turning towards” involves responding to each other’s emotional needs and bids for connection. When your partner makes a bid—such as sharing a worry, a joy, or a frustration—they’re inviting you to share in their emotional experience. How you respond to these bids can either strengthen or weaken your relationship.
Consider the story of Emma and John. After a tough day at work, Emma feels the urge to call her sister and vent about her problems. Instead, she decides to share her feelings with John, even though she worries he might not fully understand. John listens quietly, offering a hug and saying, “I’m here for you, even if I don’t know exactly what you’re going through.” This simple act of being present for each other strengthens their bond and reinforces the idea that they are each other’s primary source of support.
When we choose to be vulnerable with our partner, we send a powerful message: “I trust you with the most tender parts of me.” This kind of trust and openness creates a resilient partnership that can weather life’s inevitable storms.
Practical Tips for Fostering Vulnerability in Your Relationship
- Create a Ritual of Connection: Set aside time each day to check in with each other without distractions. This can be a simple 10-minute conversation where you share your highs and lows.
- Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings, use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel overwhelmed” instead of “You never help me.” This reduces defensiveness and opens the door for empathy.
- Be Present and Listen: When your partner shares something vulnerable, resist the urge to offer solutions immediately. Instead, listen with empathy and validate their feelings.
- Set Boundaries with Others: It’s healthy to have close friends and confidants, but establish boundaries around what you share with them. If you find yourself venting about your partner regularly, it might be a sign that you need to address these issues directly with your partner.
- Embrace Discomfort: Vulnerability can feel uncomfortable, but it’s a necessary part of deepening your connection. Remember that discomfort is often a sign of growth.
The Takeaway: Choose Each Other, Every Day
In The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck writes, “Love is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Being vulnerable and choosing to share your deepest emotions with your partner is an act of love that requires courage. It’s about showing up, being seen, and trusting that your partner will hold space for you—even when it’s hard.
The next time you feel the urge to vent to a friend, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself if this is an opportunity to strengthen your relationship by sharing with your partner instead. Remember, it’s not about avoiding all outside support, but about prioritizing the emotional intimacy that only you and your partner can create together. In doing so, you build a relationship that is not only resilient but also deeply fulfilling—a partnership rooted in trust, love, and the beauty of vulnerability.